i spent basically the entirety of my three day weekend alone in my room. it was kind of miserable for the most part mostly just because when i am alone in my room for a large amount of time i put this pressure on myself to make like crazy amazing art and make huge self realizations that will change my world. but that never happens i just feel lonely and depressed and horny lol. and then i watch way too many instagram reels. i think that expectation i put on myself when i am home alone- is basically the equivalent of expecting myself to work, and to become a really amazing version of myself who's always progressing and always building good skills and all that stupid shit and maybe it's just those expectations in general that kind of emphasize the depressive feelings.
when i'm home alone i just want to relax. i literally wouldn't even let myself sit comfortably on my couch. because i worry about wasting my time or becoming invested in something stupid. eventually i realized that and let myself just lay in my bed and let my thoughts run wild. it was really nice and actually relaxing to do so rather than like forcing myself to think about really deep things. i got to think about sex, and other people, and my friendships and i didn't judge myself when i did it and i didn't have crazy expectations for how i should behave. it was like i finally was able to do what i've always watched other people around me, like my roommate, do.
i have always been pretty jealous of how my roommate was able to be alone with himself for so long,, he could jump from one activity to another, he let himself watch whatever youtube videos he wanted. and work on making music or videos, like he could learn so many things and pick up so many skills and be so good at them- but for him it wasnt about being good. for me, it was always about being good. he could spend entire days alone with himself and be content. i would try to emulate that but it would just be so forceful. and i would do it with an image of how i should be in my mind. im so fucking forceful with myself. .
im trying to be less forceful but i also get scared of crossing boudaries. i think that whenever i feel comfortable with myself or free i always cross a boundary with someone. and when im alone i dont want to cross a boundary with myself that i have created. like a boundary that says dont be lazy and dont get distracted and dont let modern media and culture hypnotize you.
but i have this friend that when you interact with him, you can tell he does not have that forceful control with himself he just lets himself behave however he feels and he gets along just fine. like yeah sometimes he looks stupid or whatver but its endearing and admirable because he is very real and it is not hard to see yourself in him- all the things about yourself that you may be embarassed of he has done and he has continued on with only a small amount of shame and i think at least for me that makes him very lovable. I find people who are very straightforward easy to be around because there is no trying to guess what is going on in their mind, so you only ever have to worry about yourself.
anyways- i think i get hung up on time and progress and image and i let it eat me whole- and i forget about the existence of leniency and changing and communication. like if i cross a boundary, a person that i want to be around is going to tell me, or my own brain and body will let me know that something isn't right, and then i'll know to change my actions. like there's this one jawbreaker song that says

You have to learn to learn from your mistakes You can afford to lose a little face The things you break, some can't be replaced A simple rule: every day be sure you wake

when i was 18 this lyric was really important to me because i lived in such a great state of fear that it tranquilized me- i thought that adults didn't make mistakes, therefore i should not be making mistakes either if i wanted to be respected and taken seriously. in retrospect it is such a silly thought but it is what i wholeheartedly believed. at the time i had first gained my independence and convinced myself i now had to do everything on my own. but adults do obviously make mistakes. and a lot of mistakes that adults make in their early lives teach them to know better and thats why older adults dont seem to not make mistakes as much. so like when you do fuck up, no one cares and if they do its probably because theyre god damn hung about about the same thing.
and that's something that i always forget when i let myself be free in my thoughts and actions is that its totally ok to make mistakes and waste time and be stupid, you have just got to be honest with yourself about how it is all affecting you or those around you. so letting your mind and actions run their course- letting yourself explore your thoughts or interests or hobbies or desires without judgement when you're alone, rather being forceful is not going to destroy you. its probably just going to build your own understanding of yourself what you can and cannot do, and teach you how to comfortable in situations that you never thought you could be comfortable in.