i guess this is a diary and its just right before my therapy but im thinking about maybe now is the transition into winter its not quite fall anymore but its not officially wonter yet. and im thinking about being safe in the winter or maybe staying afloat mentally . not getting lost in despair or lonliness or just lost in nothing. to try to make healthy sweet decisions for myself. i think damn staying afloat i told my therapist that im in a season of forgetting how to keep stable or mature or something like she tells me these thoughts i used to think but i dont anymore and i go well i used to know that for sure. so it feels like this season is and up and down a back and forth and forgetting and remembering. like oh yes i remember i was really enjoying reading that book, oh yes i do love to go get biscuits and gravy with hal, oh yes im working on this comic im excited about. in the winter things get lost in the haze? the darkness? things get lost easily, but im sure theyre not too hard to retrieve back. so a game of keeping the pace of slowing down of hurting and then taking a step back and remembering. i think about this big burden i carried on my shoulders today of friends hanging out without me and it felt ginormous and eternal until i got into my truck and looked at the sky. it was gloomy, i remembered it was the first day of december. i got over it some but i mostly got over it after i talked to hannah. i realized i need to spend some more time with my roommates to stay and chill and talk even through the awkwardness. its the second year of living together and if i know anything i know it takes at least two years to build a strong base. im halfway there, keep it up! i get scared to talk to hannah i think were both awkward and i worry i bore her with anothing style conversation. im so worried about my nothing style conversation but thats a judgement. im sure its jsut as good as the next one and if anything be curious about their world. et cetera et cetera .. but conversation is good, if you stay around long enough it creates a flow. heres a list of things ive enjoyed doing recently -reading the george miles cycle -reading love and rockets -hanging out one on one with people i want to know better -getting biscuits and gravy with hal - working on my comic -working on my bandsaw maybe i can think about things last winter that i really enjoyed maybe ill keep this as some sort of winter log. im not too sure i guess what was i thinking today. something about time and the dark and inside and outside. like i noticed time and inside vs outside is like really sticking out in the time change. like when it gets dark time kind of falls away. you forget what youre doing and how long its there for and yes it feels eternal. it feels like theres more time now than there was in the rest of the year. it hits 8 and it feels like i should be going to bed despite the fact that any other part of the year that would be nowhere on my mind. theres no light outside to count the hours with you just do it until you feel done. do it until you feel done. thats an interesting thought maybe how time and light might instruct how you approach doing an activity. its too light out to make a meal or go to bed or work on the saws, ive been making this project from when it was fully light out and now its dark. again that sense of disapperance or losing something- it falls into an abyss, and you dont know how deep that abyss is (its shallow dont worry). maybe like this time is a time for patience as things disappear often. force doesnt work in the winter because the winter is a force in and of itself you cant work against it, you cant stop it. a time of stop and go and at the same time a time of whims, maybe a time to remember how small you really are, not in a bad way just a time to practice acceptance. an ego breaker the back and forthness of it all and inbetween that the "patience". the confidence to understand youre working your best to treat situations right and to treat yourself right~~~ i guess that would be the hope, if youre really so worried about it you can stop and sort it out. this whole back and forthness is figuring it out. like hey this feels weird but dont let it get so lost. i think feeling weird is "lost" in itself so like- this feels weird- requires a "patience" and a "retrieval". lost~patience~retrieval. i think a lot about this idea of being an incel, like you lack so much confidence in yourself that it radiates off you like stink lines and the people around you just have no sympathy for you . i think about that as a complete "lost". like you dont have it within yourself to recognize that there is the "patience" and "retrieval" aspects that are sure to come so you dont initiate them or have hope for them. i think at the end of the day everyone is at least a little insecure in themselves and lacks at least some confidence ----but i guess its the back up motor in yourbrain that reminds you oh figure it out talk to some people or take some time alone or just plain fake it till u make it kind of ordeal. so that patience and that hope are key factors in this winter lost and found kind of situation. there is rarelt a time when something feels weird or broken and then immediately becomes fixed-- usually there is some space in between and that's where the 'patience' comes into play. also this lifelong question of "existing in a group setting" and how to do it- make sure you are comfortable and know yourself and desires and options when in these group settings. also this idea of attempt~failure~patience when you accept the lost~patience~retrieval you can handle failure and then eventually make more attempts at what youare trying. i guess at the end of the day "patience" is everything heres something just today i realized about intention like winter is so much intention. like this concept of escape from previous years ' ugh the winter is so bad what i can i use to distract myself from it how do i get out of it ' and how escape just does not work for the winter- what about the opposite of escape? intention. im stuck in this time and space and whats around me is whats around me so what do i want out of what i have? if i already naturally feel crummy then i cant fill my time with random shit that may or may not feel crummy. i really have to be intentional with what will make me feel good, what feels worth while- what work will i be happy that ive done? its hard work its tiring work but its good work. i told my therapist i want stronger relationships with three of my roommates and so i have to put my time and thought into those relationships. my goal is to stay through the discomfort of initial interaction- like sometimes when you dont know someone that well you dont want to stick around because you dont know how to navigate a social interaction with them. i guess since my goal is to strengthen my relationship with these people the intention makes it all worth while. if everything sucks a little and feels bad the intention behind certain actions make them stand out a little more. with some relationships, i dont know how long they will last and as ive gotten older ive learned to accept that. but at least for this moment in time it makes those actions more interesting to me, more worthwhile and im ok with that. at the end of the day in the winter its all crummy, it all kind of feels not worth it. i guess a time of despair too yes there's patience but before that theres the despair, im on my way to getting back on track but its not immediate. in the winter it rains its dark early, certain things are cut off and theres no way around it. i guess im trying so hard to find something joyous in the winter but at the end of the day its just a harder time. be mindful of yourself intentional, to the best of your ability. and be patient. its not forever.