idk its all dumb shit and im just in the moment and refuse to leave it but its like should i even be having sex like i feel like it disrupts the flow of my life so much like once i have sex its the only thing i think about it and i start breaking all these personal rules to try and get at least close to being able to have it again. i think i get so annoying too and so not logical i start seeing through this really weird perspective thats really obviously not reality but it feels like it could be idk. like what i want at the end of the day is someone who wants to fuck all the time lol and right now that isnt the case but maybe it wont be ever do i really even want to know what that life is like? i keep telling myself i just need to get into a relationship and then i can have sex often but im really weird and whenever someone shows interest my interest in them immediately turns off and it feels like everyone i know is a friend and not someone i would want to pursue like i guess it just becomes reality to me that if i want to be in a relationship its not as shallow as having sex all the time i have to get to know the person and have a really special connection with them and then i try and see if i can speedrun that process which is so goddamn dumb like of course thats not going to work in a fulfilling way i just have to be patient and deal with my fucked up horniness and like learn self control and be a normal human and it sucks a little but i know im capable of it